The Hole In My Heart

22The only thing I want is to be sad and cry whenever I feel like it.  I don’t want to hide it, put on a smile, and pretend everything is okay.  It hasn’t even been three months since I lost my sister.  This isn’t about her death, it’s about missing her – plain and simple.  It feels like there is a hole in my heart the size of the ocean and I am at the bottom trying to get to the top.  But I can’t get to the top because I don’t know which way to go.  There is nothing anyone can say that I don’t already know.  I know she is in a better place and happier than hell!  And I love that!  I am happy for her!  

Debbie was in my life from the day I was born, and although we often took different paths, allowing years to pass without talking to or seeing one another, there was never a doubt that she was there.  She was never not a part of me or of my life.  I can’t really explain what it is.  I guess you could say there were always two and now there is one.  It’s like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly.  How can you have PB&J with the J?  You can’t ~ it just doesn’t work that way.  They have to be together in order to make the sandwich complete.

15I know what I am feeling is normal and natural and I know this too shall pass.  I also know that we all grieve differently and for different amounts of time.  However, I can’t help but feel like we are rushed through our grief.  When a loved one dies things need to be taken care of right away.  It’s not like you can wait until you are feeling better to make funeral arrangements, go through their personal belongings or make the necessary phone calls.  On top of all of that you still need to live your life.  You still have to go to work, take care of the family, the pets, the house, and of course yourself.  So where in there do you really get to take the time to get in touch with your deepest of emotions and work through them in a healthy and peaceful manner?  When do you get to process the death, the pain, the sadness and move on?  Now I see how someone can get stuck in their grief because they never had the time to move through it.  Instead you keep pushing it aside in order to get everything else done and before you know it, you have twenty years of grief built up inside you and I can almost guarantee you are completely out of tune with your Inner Life.

55I didn’t realize until a couple of weeks ago that I have been stuck in my grief and out of tune with my Inner Life.  It came to light when my cat Henry was getting on my nerves.  Henry never gets on my nerves ~ he always makes me happy.  I felt anger because he would not stop meowing.  It was then that I knew I am not processing my grief in a healthy manner.  I am not giving myself the time I need to accept it, embrace it, and let it go one piece at a time.  Instead I am putting it aside so I can live my life and do what needs to be done.  Looking back over the last few weeks I can see where my grief and pain have boiled over and out with anger and negativity.  I have been completely on the edge and not the nicest person in the world.  Thankfully I have a very loving and understanding man in my life who has been nothing but compassionate and supportive. 

09Now that I am aware of where I am, I can begin the healing process.  Getting back in tune with my Inner Life would of course be the priority.  It is in our outer life that we get stuck and fill with negativity toward our loss.  How I didn’t realize I was out of tune is beyond me ~ all the signs were there.  For me, getting back in tune simply means to focus in the here and now instead of on the day she died.  I need to get back to me through my meditation and breathing practice, taking the time to grieve regardless of what else is going on, crying when the need arises regardless of where I am ~ in each of these I will be and am taking care of myself.  I am moving forward one step at a time. 

rp_652-300x168.jpgThis isn’t about sympathy or feeling sorry for myself.  It is about trying to bring awareness to those who are or still suffer from loss ~ take the time YOU need and do whatever YOU need to do to process, accept and move through your grief.  Do not let anyone tell you how much time it should take you or how you should be feeling or not feeling.  You are the only one who knows what is best for you ….. don’t let anyone take your grief away from you.  It is okay and all is well …..I now look forward to a new and adventurous relationship with my sister – physical to non-physical ….

Much Love Always,


The True Way of Forgiveness

15Although I would prefer to live a life completely filled with joy, happiness and peace, we all know it is nearly impossible.  We all know there will be life experiences that hurt us, make us angry, take us to our knees, or leave us completely torn and breathless.  Some of the most difficult experiences come from our relationships and learning forgiveness.  Just recently, a very wonderful and wise man in my life reminded me of the true way of forgiveness.

When a life experience calls for forgiveness, more than likely we have made it quite clear what this person did to hurt US.  More than likely we spoke without love, compassion or understanding.  More than likely we reacted with anger, hostility and even feelings of hatred.  More than likely we didn’t give the other person a fighting chance.  More than likely we never thought about their pain or why they did what they did.  We just know they did US wrong and now we want to punish them and hurt them the way they hurt us.

Prayer 01Forgiving someone is not only vital to our own well-being, but it is also vital to the other persons well-being, sense of self, and ability to move forward.  When people do wrong, we should forgive them, comfort them, show them love, and guide them in a more positive direction.  We shouldn’t punish them or rub it in their face day in and day out.  This will only create negativity, resentment and more than likely it will destroy the relationship. 

Many will disagree, but there is nothing in this world that is not forgivable if one takes the time to come to a deep understanding of where the other persons wrong came from.  A negative action always comes from a place of fear or pain.  It never comes from a place of love, joy or happiness.  Sometimes our wrongs even come from self-sabotage because we can’t find the love within ourselves to make the right choices or decisions.  Many times we are so wrapped up in our fear, pain and negativity that we lose all hope.

There are some who believe that forgiveness is the same as saying what was done is acceptable, but it has nothing to do with what is acceptable and what isn’t.  It is about truly loving yourself and another enough to move through it with love, understanding and compassion.  Where you want it to go from there is completely up to you.  We all make mistakes and we all want to be forgiven so don’t treat those you love in any other way except the way you would want to be treated if it were you. 

70The true way of forgiveness is in fact through your Inner Life.  It is in fact about love, not punishment.  When it’s all said and done, just let it go.  There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to carry it with you, for if you do, your life will turn in an unwanted direction and you could very easily lose a relationship that really wasn’t worth losing.  Open your heart and allow yourself the beauty and freedom of the true way of forgiveness.

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be …

Love & Light,

Cindy Ortiz

Do Your Words Enhance Your Joy & Happiness

24Have you ever thought about how your words affect your health, happiness and overall well-being?  Think about it for a moment ~ how you express yourself is no different than the food you put into your body.  It will either make you feel better or it will make you feel worse.  Words could very easily be just words, but rarely they are.  They are always tied to a positive or negative feeling.  It is those feelings that will, in the end, contribute to the creation of your own reality, all inclusively. 

A good example would be when you are driving.  How often do you find yourself using choice words toward another driver for one reason or another?  How does this make YOU feel?  When you express your anger or frustration toward another driver, even when they can’t hear you, it not only fills YOU up with negative energy, but it sends negative energy out into the Universe.  So what does the Universe do?  It gives you what you send out ~ like attracts like….and you wonder why you keep having bad experiences on the roadway!  Choice words are not spoken from your Inner Life, they are spoken from a place within your outer life.  A place that does not know peace or well-being at that moment in time.  

23When I made the choice to be happy no matter what, I also had to learn how to relax a lot more and to go with the flow.  This means allowing the uncontrollable to just do its thing.  To not get upset at the things someone else does that could easily cause me to feel irritated, frustrated or angry.  Allowing negative feelings in this manner is no different than giving power to the other person.  Why would I want to allow someone else’s actions to affect how I feel?  And in that, the uncontrollable now becomes controllable!  It can be difficult to “practice” peace in certain situations, but it is not impossible.  It all depends on what you want out of life and how you want to feel.

Think about how much your life would change if the ONLY words you ever spoke were words that enhanced your joy and happiness.  Not only would you feel better, but your health would improve, you would be more prosperous and abundant, and you would know peace, joy and true happiness.  So, the next time you find yourself wanting to use choice words, just remember what those words will do to you as they course through every part of your body, mind and spirit.  Choose joy and happiness, you can’t go wrong!

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be …

Love & Light,