This Was Then

01I laid on the edge of my bed like an infant, slightly quivering.  I could only feel my aching soul.  My pain began to seep out of my eyes.  I prayed to God to comfort me, to take me in His arms, to protect me, and to give me enough love that would change my life.  I knew I was gone. “It” had taken me from all those that loved me but I could not see.  I was blind to the outside world, I was numb to emotion.  I was in my own self-made prison.

My pain was so great from “it” that death began to intrigue me.  Laying on the nightstand was my way out.  The blade shimmering from the reflection of the light was pulling me closer.  I had done it before but I knew this time would be different.  I knew I would not stop the flow of blood and I knew there was not enough blood to end my suffering.

106You bleed all the time but no one sees it, only you can feel it.  You live in the depths of your own personal hell.  As the night closes in and the day fades away the gut wrenching pain runs through your veins like burning coals.  You feel no connection to anything or anyone ~ you are a stranger in your own body.  You feel nothing and yet you feel everything.  Your heart beats but you do not feel alive.  Life takes you down gripping and crying, down into the black hole of death.  You keep screaming and crying for something, but you don’t know what that something is.  The only thing you can think of is the bleeding inside ~ the emotional and physical pain.   You get down on your knees and pray to God to take you at the same time praying to God to save you.  You spin and spin, falling, tripping, losing yourself in every moment ~ a moment you wished did not exist.  The world as you know it blacks out ~ you cannot see anything yet your eyes are wide open.  The light blinds you.  You want to ask for help, but the words get trapped in your throat.  You try to speak but nothing comes out, yet inside you are still screaming at the top of your lungs “help me, please help me, somebody help me”.  You just want it out ~ you just want to bleed until there is nothing left.

48I spent a large part of my life in unhappiness which eventually grew into severe depression and addictions.  I knew in my heart there was much more to life than how I was living and feeling it, but I did not know how to get to where I wanted to be from where I was.  I did not know how to be happy again.  Looking back, I now see the one and only thing that kept me from the life I wanted to live was being out of tune with my Inner Life, the greater and more powerful part of who I truly am.

For me, and for countless numbers of others, it wasn’t until I hit bottom that I made the choice to entirely change my life.  I could not bear the emotional and physical pain any longer.  I just wanted to be happy so I chose life over death and from there I embarked on a journey within myself that has yielded joy, love, happiness and abundance.  When you make how you feel the most important thing in your life, everything changes.  It changes how you think, what you do or don’t do, what you have or don’t have.  It creates healthy relationships, satisfying careers, and yes, it even creates more money in the bank.  Most importantly, it puts you back in tune with your Inner Life, with complete well-being.  What more could you ask for?

34I remember all too well the days when it took everything I had to get through the next second of my life.  I was so far down in my deep dark hole that nothing, not friends, not love, not money, not even my son could pull me out.  All I wanted to do was die, but it was not because I did not want to live, it was because I wanted the pain to go away. To try to describe the pain is nearly impossible.  No words can describe the feelings and emotions that one feels while living in this state of mind.  I often refer to those years as the depths of hell.  I had no hope for anything and I did not believe I would ever be happy.  Hell, I did not even know what true happiness was.  Yes, there were periods of time when things were going well and I was enjoying life, but there was always something missing.  I could feel the emptiness inside. Many times it felt like a burning hole slowly eating me away.  I tried to fill it with people and things but eventually it would just empty out so I started filling myself up with drugs and alcohol, but again I was left with that gut wrenching feeling of despair, fear, and heartache.

I was asked one time by my therapist what I thought would help make me feel better.  My response was to pull my brains out so that I could no longer think.  My thoughts always had a tendency to send me spiraling downward because of how I was feeling about myself.  I grew up living with no self-esteem and lacked confidence since middle school.  I also never felt worthy of anything good, especially love. It took years and years of enduring pain, suicide attempts, cutting, self-sabotage, doctor visits, hospital visits, being on and off one medication or another before I hit bottom with a cocktail mixture of severe depression, alcohol, and drugs.  This was the end for me and just the beginning.  I was now engulfed with a burning desire for change and happiness.

30When the desire for lasting change and true happiness shows it’s beautiful and mighty face, it is time to take a leap of faith. Regardless of the circumstances that fuel your desire, the key to any level of change is to do it in a positive state of mind. The last thing you want to do is to hold onto anything negative or take it with you for that matter. And so the journey begins ….

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy

Sometimes We Fall

135Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we fall, get up, and fall again. Sometimes we don’t know why, we just know we fell and all that matters is getting back up. In the silence of our minds and the beating of our hearts, we know what we need to do to get back up. Facing ourselves and our truth can be difficult but it can also be powerful beyond measure. Our truth always lies within ~ anything that causes us to fall will always be found in our outer life.

Letting go of your outer life is an essential step toward getting back up because it leaves but one thing ~ it leaves the power within, the all-knowing, the greatest part of who we are. It leaves your Inner Life. Letting go of your outer life means letting go of anything or anyone that causes stress, anxiety, sadness, pain, heartache, dis-ease, imbalance, depression, addictions, anger, hatred, lack or unhappiness. None of these things you will find in your Inner Life.

37Letting go does not necessarily mean getting rid of (unless of course you know you need to). It means turning your focus from your outer life to your Inner Life. It means letting go of all resistance to what is and holding on to the here and now. When you focus yourself into the present moment, allowing yourself to feel and live the fullness of who you truly are, the things causing you to “fall” do not exist because they are not a part of your present moment experience. They are not a part of your Inner Life. Any and all things that cause an imbalance within yourself comes from the past or the future. It is never from the here and now.

41Your Inner Life is the non-physical part of who you are ~ pure, positive, ever-expanding vibrational energy. It is the core and the connection to all that is, all that ever was, and all that will ever be. Your Inner Life is where you will find the purest and truest “form” of love, inner-peace, balance, abundance, well-being, joy and happiness. It is the part of you that will keep you in balance so that you don’t fall again.

So when you start to feel as if you are going to fall again, let go of your outer life, focus inward, and allow your Inner Life take you to where you want to be.

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be ….

Love & Light,

Cindy

Suicide Isn’t Just About Death

angel-wallpaper-2Suicide is not just the act of killing one’s self.  Suicide is a long painful road filled with an endless feeling of such deep depression that it could be compared to that of slowly burning to death from the inside out.  Suicide is a choice not to be judged or criticized. 

When a suicide story hits the news it is typically responded to in a negative way.  Many would say it is selfish, cowardly and an easy way out.  Some would even look at it as a sign of weakness, but I feel differently.  It takes a lot of strength and courage to make a choice of such magnitude ~ to endure so much emotional pain and suffering for so long.  Not everyone can or has the ability to reach out and ask for help.  Not everyone believes in or can see hope for something better.  Most probably do not even know why they feel the way they do, they just know they want the pain to stop.

Suicide isn’t just about death.  It’s about a deep and tormenting pain that won’t go away.  A pain that cannot be overcome for one reason or another.  It’s about suffering on a level that cannot be explained or even put into words for most.  Suicide is about freedom and relief.  It’s about being able to breathe and in finding peace. 

24Those who choose death over life have suffered long enough.  They have done their best to live in a world, that to them, is filled with darkness. A darkness that has no light and no hope of ever seeing light.

Suicide should not be judged or criticized but instead embraced with unconditional love, compassion, and understanding.  An understanding that may never be understood. 

Think for a moment of what it must feel like to be so disconnected from love, peace, happiness and well-being that your only hope for anything better is death.  It’s hard to imagine isn’t it? So if you can’t imagine it, don’t be negative about it.

Love & Light,

Cindy Ortiz