This Was Then

01I laid on the edge of my bed like an infant, slightly quivering.  I could only feel my aching soul.  My pain began to seep out of my eyes.  I prayed to God to comfort me, to take me in His arms, to protect me, and to give me enough love that would change my life.  I knew I was gone. “It” had taken me from all those that loved me but I could not see.  I was blind to the outside world, I was numb to emotion.  I was in my own self-made prison.

My pain was so great from “it” that death began to intrigue me.  Laying on the nightstand was my way out.  The blade shimmering from the reflection of the light was pulling me closer.  I had done it before but I knew this time would be different.  I knew I would not stop the flow of blood and I knew there was not enough blood to end my suffering.

106You bleed all the time but no one sees it, only you can feel it.  You live in the depths of your own personal hell.  As the night closes in and the day fades away the gut wrenching pain runs through your veins like burning coals.  You feel no connection to anything or anyone ~ you are a stranger in your own body.  You feel nothing and yet you feel everything.  Your heart beats but you do not feel alive.  Life takes you down gripping and crying, down into the black hole of death.  You keep screaming and crying for something, but you don’t know what that something is.  The only thing you can think of is the bleeding inside ~ the emotional and physical pain.   You get down on your knees and pray to God to take you at the same time praying to God to save you.  You spin and spin, falling, tripping, losing yourself in every moment ~ a moment you wished did not exist.  The world as you know it blacks out ~ you cannot see anything yet your eyes are wide open.  The light blinds you.  You want to ask for help, but the words get trapped in your throat.  You try to speak but nothing comes out, yet inside you are still screaming at the top of your lungs “help me, please help me, somebody help me”.  You just want it out ~ you just want to bleed until there is nothing left.

48I spent a large part of my life in unhappiness which eventually grew into severe depression and addictions.  I knew in my heart there was much more to life than how I was living and feeling it, but I did not know how to get to where I wanted to be from where I was.  I did not know how to be happy again.  Looking back, I now see the one and only thing that kept me from the life I wanted to live was being out of tune with my Inner Life, the greater and more powerful part of who I truly am.

For me, and for countless numbers of others, it wasn’t until I hit bottom that I made the choice to entirely change my life.  I could not bear the emotional and physical pain any longer.  I just wanted to be happy so I chose life over death and from there I embarked on a journey within myself that has yielded joy, love, happiness and abundance.  When you make how you feel the most important thing in your life, everything changes.  It changes how you think, what you do or don’t do, what you have or don’t have.  It creates healthy relationships, satisfying careers, and yes, it even creates more money in the bank.  Most importantly, it puts you back in tune with your Inner Life, with complete well-being.  What more could you ask for?

34I remember all too well the days when it took everything I had to get through the next second of my life.  I was so far down in my deep dark hole that nothing, not friends, not love, not money, not even my son could pull me out.  All I wanted to do was die, but it was not because I did not want to live, it was because I wanted the pain to go away. To try to describe the pain is nearly impossible.  No words can describe the feelings and emotions that one feels while living in this state of mind.  I often refer to those years as the depths of hell.  I had no hope for anything and I did not believe I would ever be happy.  Hell, I did not even know what true happiness was.  Yes, there were periods of time when things were going well and I was enjoying life, but there was always something missing.  I could feel the emptiness inside. Many times it felt like a burning hole slowly eating me away.  I tried to fill it with people and things but eventually it would just empty out so I started filling myself up with drugs and alcohol, but again I was left with that gut wrenching feeling of despair, fear, and heartache.

I was asked one time by my therapist what I thought would help make me feel better.  My response was to pull my brains out so that I could no longer think.  My thoughts always had a tendency to send me spiraling downward because of how I was feeling about myself.  I grew up living with no self-esteem and lacked confidence since middle school.  I also never felt worthy of anything good, especially love. It took years and years of enduring pain, suicide attempts, cutting, self-sabotage, doctor visits, hospital visits, being on and off one medication or another before I hit bottom with a cocktail mixture of severe depression, alcohol, and drugs.  This was the end for me and just the beginning.  I was now engulfed with a burning desire for change and happiness.

30When the desire for lasting change and true happiness shows it’s beautiful and mighty face, it is time to take a leap of faith. Regardless of the circumstances that fuel your desire, the key to any level of change is to do it in a positive state of mind. The last thing you want to do is to hold onto anything negative or take it with you for that matter. And so the journey begins ….

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy

And So the Journey Begins

~ All I wanted was to be happy but I did not know how. I had no clue where to start or what to do, so I started right where I was. I started in the exact place I didn’t want to be. My DESIRE to be truly happy is all it took to take the first step out of the life I wanted to leave behind and into the life I was about to create! ~

41When the desire for lasting change and true happiness shows it’s beautiful and mighty face, it is time to take a leap of faith. Regardless of the circumstances that fuel your desire, the key to any level of change is to do it in a positive state of mind. The last thing you want to do is to hold onto anything negative or take it with you for that matter.

From this moment forward, every step must be born and nurtured from that place within, from your Inner Life. Each step must yield a great percentage of positivity. How can change occur or happiness blossom if what or how you choose to do things is through a negative state of mind. Life will be seemingly difficult if your foundation is built on or out of negativity.

The first step into my journey toward true happiness was the hardest because I was scared. I was facing so many negative consequences of how I had been living my life. I was truly lost and confused with no direction. I felt so alone and hopeless, but I knew I had to do something so I faced my fears head on starting with the truth. Writing down who I was at that moment in time, how I felt about myself, and the things I was doing to create my miserably unhappy life. This journal process did in fact create some pain, but it was only temporary. It was no worse than living the way I was living on a day-to-day basis. I took the bad with the good because I knew in my heart the only way back to me was to face the person in the mirror.

11I had avoided myself for nearly 20 years because I did not like who I was. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and couldn’t stand a moment alone with myself. I tried everything under the sun to feel better but when nothing worked, I knew the time had come. I knew I had to face who I was before I could release who I had become. This did NOT involve going back through my entire past dredging up all the things I had regret. It involved sitting down with pen and paper and talking to myself in the present moment. I wrote about how I felt at that moment, I wrote about the things I was doing or not doing that were causing me to be unhappy. I wrote about my self-sabotaging behaviors. I even wrote about what was bringing me happiness so I would have something good to focus on. I questioned myself and my motives and before I knew it, I had pages and pages filled with words that not only brought me relief, but brought me clarity. When I was done, the answers were all right there in front of me. That was the end. There was no going back. I walked out of who I was not and right into the greater part of who I truly am.

There is nothing to regret, feel guilty over, wish you had done differently or carry pain for. Your transition into true and lasting happiness will in fact dissolve these feelings. The things you feared the most won’t create as much pain or upset you as you may have thought they would. This is because when you are in tune with your Inner Life, when you are focused on being happy and feeling happy, your reactions and thoughts change with the desire of wanting to feel good. You will react in a more positive manner, one that will not shatter your feelings of happiness.

rp_06-300x239.jpgIs this the time for you to look inside yourself and be honest? For you to tell the truth to yourself about yourself. The truth as to what you are doing or not doing that is creating your unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life. It is not life not giving you what you want, it is you not giving you what you want. Now is the time to face your own truth. To be completely honest with yourself no matter where you are in your life. I know it can be hard to admit certain things about ourselves but it is the only way to set yourself free and to be able to move forward. We all know in our hearts what it is we need to do and what it is we need to change, so take the first step. It WILL change everything!

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy

The Next Chapter, Turn the Page

727It’s hard to imagine the next chapter in your life when you have been captured by what you believe to be your only reality. Things are not going the way you want them to, you don’t have the things you want, you are struggling financially, you feel as though life has turned you inside out, and now you can’t see past the next day, let alone the next minute. You are sad, depressed, unhappy, stressed, frustrated and angry. You try to feel better but you can barely make it to the front door. Your thoughts are consumed with negativity and hopelessness. The light you once followed has burned out with no other light in sight.

How often do you think, “I don’t want to be where I am”? How does it feel when you are not where you want to be or have what you want to have? Do you believe things can change? Do you believe you are the one who has the power to make everything change?

Without realizing it, we can so easily make things worse by fighting against our current life circumstances. We keep our focus in and on our outer life instead of turning inward to our Inner Life, the greater and more powerful part of who we truly are. Turning inward may not change your circumstances overnight but it will bring you peace. That is what you need right now is peace. Making peace with your life as it is doesn’t mean throwing in the towel or staying where you are ~ it means embracing and surrendering to what is so you can naturally move forward toward well-being, abundance, love, joy, and true happiness.

02Think of it this way, when things aren’t going the way you want them to, you push against them, you push against life. It’s like a constant battle in your head, a complete never-ending negative dialogue of how much you hate where you are, screaming for a way out. Is it not? Isn’t it a horrible feeling? Eventually that dialogue will make its way down through your body creating all sorts aches, pains, dis-ease, and illness. Is that really what you want and how you want to live your life?

I have been where you are. I have lived through my outer life only to find myself drenched in unhappiness, depression, anxiety, destructive behavior patterns and no hope of anything changing. Looking back, it’s hard to believe I lived this way for so many years, but I didn’t know I was the one in control. I didn’t know I was the one making life so unsatisfying and miserable. I thought and assumed it was life itself giving me all these thing. I hated it ~ I hated the way I felt. The sadness, pain, guilt, and shame. I just wanted out. Out of my mind, out of my body, and out of my life. All I wanted was to be happy but I did not know how. I had no clue where to start or what to do, so I started right where I was. I started in the exact place I didn’t want to be. My DESIRE to be truly happy is all it took to take the first step out of the life I wanted to leave behind and into the life I was about to create!

01Yes, it probably sounds easier said than done, but then again, maybe not. If the desire is there, anything is possible. For me, the majority of the changes I made were pretty simple, but they did take courage, faith, surrender, trust, acceptance, self-love, and devotion. This may sound like a large order to fill, but it’s not when you have desire. Please trust me when I say to you, where you are, how you are living, how you are feeling is NOT your only reality. It is just the reality you are choosing right now.  NOW is the time for the next chapter, so turn the page. Take a deep breath, know all is well, and don’t give up.

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life ~

Love & Light,

Cindy