This Was Then

01I laid on the edge of my bed like an infant, slightly quivering.  I could only feel my aching soul.  My pain began to seep out of my eyes.  I prayed to God to comfort me, to take me in His arms, to protect me, and to give me enough love that would change my life.  I knew I was gone. “It” had taken me from all those that loved me but I could not see.  I was blind to the outside world, I was numb to emotion.  I was in my own self-made prison.

My pain was so great from “it” that death began to intrigue me.  Laying on the nightstand was my way out.  The blade shimmering from the reflection of the light was pulling me closer.  I had done it before but I knew this time would be different.  I knew I would not stop the flow of blood and I knew there was not enough blood to end my suffering.

106You bleed all the time but no one sees it, only you can feel it.  You live in the depths of your own personal hell.  As the night closes in and the day fades away the gut wrenching pain runs through your veins like burning coals.  You feel no connection to anything or anyone ~ you are a stranger in your own body.  You feel nothing and yet you feel everything.  Your heart beats but you do not feel alive.  Life takes you down gripping and crying, down into the black hole of death.  You keep screaming and crying for something, but you don’t know what that something is.  The only thing you can think of is the bleeding inside ~ the emotional and physical pain.   You get down on your knees and pray to God to take you at the same time praying to God to save you.  You spin and spin, falling, tripping, losing yourself in every moment ~ a moment you wished did not exist.  The world as you know it blacks out ~ you cannot see anything yet your eyes are wide open.  The light blinds you.  You want to ask for help, but the words get trapped in your throat.  You try to speak but nothing comes out, yet inside you are still screaming at the top of your lungs “help me, please help me, somebody help me”.  You just want it out ~ you just want to bleed until there is nothing left.

48I spent a large part of my life in unhappiness which eventually grew into severe depression and addictions.  I knew in my heart there was much more to life than how I was living and feeling it, but I did not know how to get to where I wanted to be from where I was.  I did not know how to be happy again.  Looking back, I now see the one and only thing that kept me from the life I wanted to live was being out of tune with my Inner Life, the greater and more powerful part of who I truly am.

For me, and for countless numbers of others, it wasn’t until I hit bottom that I made the choice to entirely change my life.  I could not bear the emotional and physical pain any longer.  I just wanted to be happy so I chose life over death and from there I embarked on a journey within myself that has yielded joy, love, happiness and abundance.  When you make how you feel the most important thing in your life, everything changes.  It changes how you think, what you do or don’t do, what you have or don’t have.  It creates healthy relationships, satisfying careers, and yes, it even creates more money in the bank.  Most importantly, it puts you back in tune with your Inner Life, with complete well-being.  What more could you ask for?

34I remember all too well the days when it took everything I had to get through the next second of my life.  I was so far down in my deep dark hole that nothing, not friends, not love, not money, not even my son could pull me out.  All I wanted to do was die, but it was not because I did not want to live, it was because I wanted the pain to go away. To try to describe the pain is nearly impossible.  No words can describe the feelings and emotions that one feels while living in this state of mind.  I often refer to those years as the depths of hell.  I had no hope for anything and I did not believe I would ever be happy.  Hell, I did not even know what true happiness was.  Yes, there were periods of time when things were going well and I was enjoying life, but there was always something missing.  I could feel the emptiness inside. Many times it felt like a burning hole slowly eating me away.  I tried to fill it with people and things but eventually it would just empty out so I started filling myself up with drugs and alcohol, but again I was left with that gut wrenching feeling of despair, fear, and heartache.

I was asked one time by my therapist what I thought would help make me feel better.  My response was to pull my brains out so that I could no longer think.  My thoughts always had a tendency to send me spiraling downward because of how I was feeling about myself.  I grew up living with no self-esteem and lacked confidence since middle school.  I also never felt worthy of anything good, especially love. It took years and years of enduring pain, suicide attempts, cutting, self-sabotage, doctor visits, hospital visits, being on and off one medication or another before I hit bottom with a cocktail mixture of severe depression, alcohol, and drugs.  This was the end for me and just the beginning.  I was now engulfed with a burning desire for change and happiness.

30When the desire for lasting change and true happiness shows it’s beautiful and mighty face, it is time to take a leap of faith. Regardless of the circumstances that fuel your desire, the key to any level of change is to do it in a positive state of mind. The last thing you want to do is to hold onto anything negative or take it with you for that matter. And so the journey begins ….

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,


Resistance Creates Unhappiness

86The mind can create unhappiness through the thoughts it thinks. If you didn’t think, you wouldn’t have unhappiness because you wouldn’t be thinking of those things that cause you to feel unhappy. Thoughts are what you think, not who you are. Resistance of what is, is your mind gone crazy because you are constantly thinking outside the present moment.

This unhappiness is initiated through your resistance to what you don’t want, so essentially you are fighting against an unwanted life experience. You think fighting against it will make it go away but it does just the opposite. Your resistance to that which you do not want will actually make it worse because resistance only creates negativity. If you were experiencing something you did want, there would be no resistance and therefore no negativity.

Resistance not only closes you off from the natural flow of life, but it causes you to be out of tune with your Inner Life, who you really are. In time, you will sense an imbalance in your physical, mental and spiritual health. The greater your resistance, the greater your imbalance, and therefore the greater your unhappiness.

77Resistance of the unwanted, being closed off from the natural flow of life, is the same as living outside the present moment. Many people fear and avoid the present moment because they believe all those unwanted things are in the present moment, but I assure you they are not. Living in the present moment does not magnify, intensify or multiply the unwanted, it dissolves it completely. Never will you find unhappiness in the present moment.

Why won’t you find unhappiness in the present moment? Unhappiness is only associated with your outer life, your past and/or your future. When you focus yourself into the present moment, allowing yourself to feel and live the fullness of who you really are, the things causing you to feel unhappy do not exist because they are not a part of your present moment experience. They are not a part of who you really are; of your Inner Life. Everything that happens, happens Now. Once it has happened it is no longer “active” unless you keep it active.

75I am certainly not saying you won’t ever experience sadness to some degree, but it won’t control you or your life. There will always be unwanted situations that will need your attention. This is a normal and unavoidable part of life. When the time comes to deal with it, do it mindfully and be fully present in doing so. This will keep you away from unnecessary worry, stress, anxiety and emotional pain. If there is something you need to come to terms with, particularly something that is unexpected ~ accept it, embrace it, and keep moving forward. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in something that is no longer a part of your true life experience. Playing it over and over again in your mind keeps you continually going through it. This in itself prolongs your emotional pain and significantly slows down the natural flow of your life because you are then fighting against what is.

In reality, the pain you are suffering from being unhappy is just an illusion created by the mind. It is not “real” because pain and unhappiness are not a part of who you really are. They don’t exist in your Inner life and they don’t exist in the present moment. Your Inner Life and the Present Moment are one in the same. They are states of Being, not a state of mind. However, because many of us allow our minds to control our emotions and our lives, we live with being unhappy.

64Accepting life and your life situation as it is does not mean staying where you are. It means accepting what is, as it is, in this moment. It means to stop fighting against what it is you don’t like or don’t want and go with the natural flow of what life is offering you. If you are not happy with what is, take the necessary steps to change it. The natural flow of life will always consist of contrast; those things we don’t want or like, but the amount of time we spend in the contrast is entirely up to us.

Living in the present moment and without resistance means to be in control of your mind. Pay attention to what you are thinking and where those thoughts take you. Look out for triggers that may send you leaping into the past or future. The moment a negative emotion arises you know your mind is trying to take you out of the Now. The easiest way to re-focus is to become aware of where you are right now through Inner Life breathing (Inner Life Breathing – Live, Love & Breathe Life). Pull yourself back into your body so to speak, leaving the mind behind. The more you empty your mind, the more peace, joy, well-being and love will become your life experience.

Letting go of what was or what could be for what is will free you completely. It allows you to stay focused in the present moment releasing you from the bonds of any moment that is not this moment. This in itself will relieve your emotional pain, resistance and unhappiness.

Love & Light,

Cynthia K Ortiz, Inner Life Guidance Coach

What Are Your Beliefs Creating?

41Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.  Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.  Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.  Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.  But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, than accept it and live up to it. – Buddhist Teachings

Has it ever crossed your mind that the life you are living is because of your own personal beliefs?  Have you wondered why you lack self-esteem?  How many times have you stopped yourself from doing something because you did not believe you could do it?  Do you find yourself falling in line with everyone else’s beliefs instead of living in line with your own?  The beliefs we hold about ourselves and about life will be a major factor in how our lives unfold.  Whatever you believe will be true because you believe it.  A belief is only a thought that you keep thinking.  If you want to change your life, change your beliefs.

04From the moment we are born, we are taught the beliefs of other people through our parents, schoolteachers, and/or religious leaders.  We also carry beliefs about ourselves from the words that are offered to us from other people.  If you were told by someone you trust and love that you are stupid, you are more than likely going to carry that belief about yourself throughout your life.  Unfortunately, a belief that causes negative emotion will create a negative response from us.  We will feel insecure and lack confidence.  It is not until that belief is replaced with a positive one that we will be able to overcome the negative feelings.

If your beliefs cause you to think that this is a terrible world we live in, full of violence and destruction, the power of the words you offer through your belief will generate the same kind of life.  Regardless of whether or not you like what you believe, you will constantly be creating an unending cycle of unwanted manifestations.

A belief is a series of words that will elicit a negative or positive manifestation.  A word is not just a sound or written symbol.  Words are powerful because when spoken, written, or thought, they create an emotion.  It is the energy of your emotion that will create the events in your life.  When you think you are stupid, you are going to feel a negative emotion.  That negative emotion will send out a vibration that attracts more things that will feed your feeling of being stupid.  Our words can be used as a very powerful tool to getting what we want.  However, the word does have two sides.  Words can create a peaceful, healthy, and abundant life, or words can create constant havoc and chaos.  Which would you prefer?

02Think of your words and your beliefs as magic potions.  They will give you freedom and peace of mind or they will imprison you in hell.  One word, one belief, which is said and/or offered, can change a person’s life forever.  The most dramatic example I can give of this is of Hitler.  It was through his word and beliefs that created one of the most unforgettable acts of violence and cruelty that humanity ever experienced.

We must remember that it is not only the words that are said to us that can change our lives, but it is also the words that are said by us that can change our lives and the lives of others.  If you hold the belief that you are stupid, you may offer the same words to someone else in an effort to make yourself feel better.  Not only do you continue to carry negative emotion, but now someone else will too.  However, everyone has a choice as to whether or not to believe what is being said.

PotionThe easiest way to know what is “true” is by how you feel when words or beliefs are offered to you.  If you are told you are stupid and it causes sadness, anger, or pain, then you know you are not in alignment with who you really are.  If you watch the violence and destruction around the world and it makes you uncomfortable, sad, or angered, you know you are taking on a belief that is not true to who you really are.  Who you really are, your “inner-being” is pure positive energy, and it offers nothing but unconditional love.  If everyone in the world would take his or her focus off the violence and destruction, it would be gone.  It is because of the vibration we keep offering that keeps creating the negative manifestations in our lives and in our worlds.

Whenever you believe something that does not make you feel good, all you have to do is change your belief.  How do you change your belief?  You change the words you are offering.  Instead of thinking or saying, “I am stupid” say “I am grateful for all my knowledge.”  Instead of thinking or saying, “this world is a horrible place to live” say, “I am grateful for all the beauty in this world.”  Then focus on the positive aspects of your new belief!  Draw on your own strengths and remind yourself of all the things you did that made you feel smart.  Get on the internet and look through photographs, read articles about all the beautiful and peaceful places around the world.  Take a walk in your own neighborhood and instead of looking at what you do not like, look at what you do like.  Find gratitude in the fact that you are alive and breathing, that you are a part of this wonderful world that we live in.  We may not be able to change the world, or what was said, but we can ALWAYS change our beliefs!

Once you get in the habit of changing negative beliefs and words to positive ones, there will be a shift in your vibration and your life will begin to become more joyous, fulfilling, and abundant!

Love & Light,



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