I laid on the edge of my bed like an infant, slightly quivering. I could only feel my aching soul. My pain began to seep out of my eyes. I prayed to God to comfort me, to take me in His arms, to protect me, and to give me enough love that would change my life. I knew I was gone. “It” had taken me from all those that loved me but I could not see. I was blind to the outside world, I was numb to emotion. I was in my own self-made prison.
My pain was so great from “it” that death began to intrigue me. Laying on the nightstand was my way out. The blade shimmering from the reflection of the light was pulling me closer. I had done it before but I knew this time would be different. I knew I would not stop the flow of blood and I knew there was not enough blood to end my suffering.
You bleed all the time but no one sees it, only you can feel it. You live in the depths of your own personal hell. As the night closes in and the day fades away the gut wrenching pain runs through your veins like burning coals. You feel no connection to anything or anyone ~ you are a stranger in your own body. You feel nothing and yet you feel everything. Your heart beats but you do not feel alive. Life takes you down gripping and crying, down into the black hole of death. You keep screaming and crying for something, but you don’t know what that something is. The only thing you can think of is the bleeding inside ~ the emotional and physical pain. You get down on your knees and pray to God to take you at the same time praying to God to save you. You spin and spin, falling, tripping, losing yourself in every moment ~ a moment you wished did not exist. The world as you know it blacks out ~ you cannot see anything yet your eyes are wide open. The light blinds you. You want to ask for help, but the words get trapped in your throat. You try to speak but nothing comes out, yet inside you are still screaming at the top of your lungs “help me, please help me, somebody help me”. You just want it out ~ you just want to bleed until there is nothing left.
I spent a large part of my life in unhappiness which eventually grew into severe depression and addictions. I knew in my heart there was much more to life than how I was living and feeling it, but I did not know how to get to where I wanted to be from where I was. I did not know how to be happy again. Looking back, I now see the one and only thing that kept me from the life I wanted to live was being out of tune with my Inner Life, the greater and more powerful part of who I truly am.
For me, and for countless numbers of others, it wasn’t until I hit bottom that I made the choice to entirely change my life. I could not bear the emotional and physical pain any longer. I just wanted to be happy so I chose life over death and from there I embarked on a journey within myself that has yielded joy, love, happiness and abundance. When you make how you feel the most important thing in your life, everything changes. It changes how you think, what you do or don’t do, what you have or don’t have. It creates healthy relationships, satisfying careers, and yes, it even creates more money in the bank. Most importantly, it puts you back in tune with your Inner Life, with complete well-being. What more could you ask for?
I remember all too well the days when it took everything I had to get through the next second of my life. I was so far down in my deep dark hole that nothing, not friends, not love, not money, not even my son could pull me out. All I wanted to do was die, but it was not because I did not want to live, it was because I wanted the pain to go away. To try to describe the pain is nearly impossible. No words can describe the feelings and emotions that one feels while living in this state of mind. I often refer to those years as the depths of hell. I had no hope for anything and I did not believe I would ever be happy. Hell, I did not even know what true happiness was. Yes, there were periods of time when things were going well and I was enjoying life, but there was always something missing. I could feel the emptiness inside. Many times it felt like a burning hole slowly eating me away. I tried to fill it with people and things but eventually it would just empty out so I started filling myself up with drugs and alcohol, but again I was left with that gut wrenching feeling of despair, fear, and heartache.
I was asked one time by my therapist what I thought would help make me feel better. My response was to pull my brains out so that I could no longer think. My thoughts always had a tendency to send me spiraling downward because of how I was feeling about myself. I grew up living with no self-esteem and lacked confidence since middle school. I also never felt worthy of anything good, especially love. It took years and years of enduring pain, suicide attempts, cutting, self-sabotage, doctor visits, hospital visits, being on and off one medication or another before I hit bottom with a cocktail mixture of severe depression, alcohol, and drugs. This was the end for me and just the beginning. I was now engulfed with a burning desire for change and happiness.
When the desire for lasting change and true happiness shows it’s beautiful and mighty face, it is time to take a leap of faith. Regardless of the circumstances that fuel your desire, the key to any level of change is to do it in a positive state of mind. The last thing you want to do is to hold onto anything negative or take it with you for that matter. And so the journey begins ….
If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz
Live, Love & Breathe Life
Love & Light,
- Suicide Isn’t Just About Death (leaplikeafrog.com)
- Studies Find Body Pain Correlates With Spiritual & Emotional Pain (phoenixisrisen.co.uk)
- Emotional Processing: A Key to Depression Treatment? (brainposts.blogspot.com)
- How to Support a Partner Dealing With Depression (greatist.com)
- Cure Depression with a Writing Morning Ritual (letsreachsuccess.com)
- “Is Depression an Illness? Or Part of the Human Condition?” (madinamerica.com)
- A Classic Natural Anti-Depressant Practice (blogs.psychcentral.com)