And So the Journey Begins

~ All I wanted was to be happy but I did not know how. I had no clue where to start or what to do, so I started right where I was. I started in the exact place I didn’t want to be. My DESIRE to be truly happy is all it took to take the first step out of the life I wanted to leave behind and into the life I was about to create! ~

41When the desire for lasting change and true happiness shows it’s beautiful and mighty face, it is time to take a leap of faith. Regardless of the circumstances that fuel your desire, the key to any level of change is to do it in a positive state of mind. The last thing you want to do is to hold onto anything negative or take it with you for that matter.

From this moment forward, every step must be born and nurtured from that place within, from your Inner Life. Each step must yield a great percentage of positivity. How can change occur or happiness blossom if what or how you choose to do things is through a negative state of mind. Life will be seemingly difficult if your foundation is built on or out of negativity.

The first step into my journey toward true happiness was the hardest because I was scared. I was facing so many negative consequences of how I had been living my life. I was truly lost and confused with no direction. I felt so alone and hopeless, but I knew I had to do something so I faced my fears head on starting with the truth. Writing down who I was at that moment in time, how I felt about myself, and the things I was doing to create my miserably unhappy life. This journal process did in fact create some pain, but it was only temporary. It was no worse than living the way I was living on a day-to-day basis. I took the bad with the good because I knew in my heart the only way back to me was to face the person in the mirror.

11I had avoided myself for nearly 20 years because I did not like who I was. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and couldn’t stand a moment alone with myself. I tried everything under the sun to feel better but when nothing worked, I knew the time had come. I knew I had to face who I was before I could release who I had become. This did NOT involve going back through my entire past dredging up all the things I had regret. It involved sitting down with pen and paper and talking to myself in the present moment. I wrote about how I felt at that moment, I wrote about the things I was doing or not doing that were causing me to be unhappy. I wrote about my self-sabotaging behaviors. I even wrote about what was bringing me happiness so I would have something good to focus on. I questioned myself and my motives and before I knew it, I had pages and pages filled with words that not only brought me relief, but brought me clarity. When I was done, the answers were all right there in front of me. That was the end. There was no going back. I walked out of who I was not and right into the greater part of who I truly am.

There is nothing to regret, feel guilty over, wish you had done differently or carry pain for. Your transition into true and lasting happiness will in fact dissolve these feelings. The things you feared the most won’t create as much pain or upset you as you may have thought they would. This is because when you are in tune with your Inner Life, when you are focused on being happy and feeling happy, your reactions and thoughts change with the desire of wanting to feel good. You will react in a more positive manner, one that will not shatter your feelings of happiness.

rp_06-300x239.jpgIs this the time for you to look inside yourself and be honest? For you to tell the truth to yourself about yourself. The truth as to what you are doing or not doing that is creating your unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life. It is not life not giving you what you want, it is you not giving you what you want. Now is the time to face your own truth. To be completely honest with yourself no matter where you are in your life. I know it can be hard to admit certain things about ourselves but it is the only way to set yourself free and to be able to move forward. We all know in our hearts what it is we need to do and what it is we need to change, so take the first step. It WILL change everything!

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy

The Next Chapter, Turn the Page

727It’s hard to imagine the next chapter in your life when you have been captured by what you believe to be your only reality. Things are not going the way you want them to, you don’t have the things you want, you are struggling financially, you feel as though life has turned you inside out, and now you can’t see past the next day, let alone the next minute. You are sad, depressed, unhappy, stressed, frustrated and angry. You try to feel better but you can barely make it to the front door. Your thoughts are consumed with negativity and hopelessness. The light you once followed has burned out with no other light in sight.

How often do you think, “I don’t want to be where I am”? How does it feel when you are not where you want to be or have what you want to have? Do you believe things can change? Do you believe you are the one who has the power to make everything change?

Without realizing it, we can so easily make things worse by fighting against our current life circumstances. We keep our focus in and on our outer life instead of turning inward to our Inner Life, the greater and more powerful part of who we truly are. Turning inward may not change your circumstances overnight but it will bring you peace. That is what you need right now is peace. Making peace with your life as it is doesn’t mean throwing in the towel or staying where you are ~ it means embracing and surrendering to what is so you can naturally move forward toward well-being, abundance, love, joy, and true happiness.

02Think of it this way, when things aren’t going the way you want them to, you push against them, you push against life. It’s like a constant battle in your head, a complete never-ending negative dialogue of how much you hate where you are, screaming for a way out. Is it not? Isn’t it a horrible feeling? Eventually that dialogue will make its way down through your body creating all sorts aches, pains, dis-ease, and illness. Is that really what you want and how you want to live your life?

I have been where you are. I have lived through my outer life only to find myself drenched in unhappiness, depression, anxiety, destructive behavior patterns and no hope of anything changing. Looking back, it’s hard to believe I lived this way for so many years, but I didn’t know I was the one in control. I didn’t know I was the one making life so unsatisfying and miserable. I thought and assumed it was life itself giving me all these thing. I hated it ~ I hated the way I felt. The sadness, pain, guilt, and shame. I just wanted out. Out of my mind, out of my body, and out of my life. All I wanted was to be happy but I did not know how. I had no clue where to start or what to do, so I started right where I was. I started in the exact place I didn’t want to be. My DESIRE to be truly happy is all it took to take the first step out of the life I wanted to leave behind and into the life I was about to create!

01Yes, it probably sounds easier said than done, but then again, maybe not. If the desire is there, anything is possible. For me, the majority of the changes I made were pretty simple, but they did take courage, faith, surrender, trust, acceptance, self-love, and devotion. This may sound like a large order to fill, but it’s not when you have desire. Please trust me when I say to you, where you are, how you are living, how you are feeling is NOT your only reality. It is just the reality you are choosing right now.  NOW is the time for the next chapter, so turn the page. Take a deep breath, know all is well, and don’t give up.

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life ~

Love & Light,

Cindy

The Hole In My Heart

22The only thing I want is to be sad and cry whenever I feel like it.  I don’t want to hide it, put on a smile, and pretend everything is okay.  It hasn’t even been three months since I lost my sister.  This isn’t about her death, it’s about missing her – plain and simple.  It feels like there is a hole in my heart the size of the ocean and I am at the bottom trying to get to the top.  But I can’t get to the top because I don’t know which way to go.  There is nothing anyone can say that I don’t already know.  I know she is in a better place and happier than hell!  And I love that!  I am happy for her!  

Debbie was in my life from the day I was born, and although we often took different paths, allowing years to pass without talking to or seeing one another, there was never a doubt that she was there.  She was never not a part of me or of my life.  I can’t really explain what it is.  I guess you could say there were always two and now there is one.  It’s like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly.  How can you have PB&J with the J?  You can’t ~ it just doesn’t work that way.  They have to be together in order to make the sandwich complete.

15I know what I am feeling is normal and natural and I know this too shall pass.  I also know that we all grieve differently and for different amounts of time.  However, I can’t help but feel like we are rushed through our grief.  When a loved one dies things need to be taken care of right away.  It’s not like you can wait until you are feeling better to make funeral arrangements, go through their personal belongings or make the necessary phone calls.  On top of all of that you still need to live your life.  You still have to go to work, take care of the family, the pets, the house, and of course yourself.  So where in there do you really get to take the time to get in touch with your deepest of emotions and work through them in a healthy and peaceful manner?  When do you get to process the death, the pain, the sadness and move on?  Now I see how someone can get stuck in their grief because they never had the time to move through it.  Instead you keep pushing it aside in order to get everything else done and before you know it, you have twenty years of grief built up inside you and I can almost guarantee you are completely out of tune with your Inner Life.

55I didn’t realize until a couple of weeks ago that I have been stuck in my grief and out of tune with my Inner Life.  It came to light when my cat Henry was getting on my nerves.  Henry never gets on my nerves ~ he always makes me happy.  I felt anger because he would not stop meowing.  It was then that I knew I am not processing my grief in a healthy manner.  I am not giving myself the time I need to accept it, embrace it, and let it go one piece at a time.  Instead I am putting it aside so I can live my life and do what needs to be done.  Looking back over the last few weeks I can see where my grief and pain have boiled over and out with anger and negativity.  I have been completely on the edge and not the nicest person in the world.  Thankfully I have a very loving and understanding man in my life who has been nothing but compassionate and supportive. 

09Now that I am aware of where I am, I can begin the healing process.  Getting back in tune with my Inner Life would of course be the priority.  It is in our outer life that we get stuck and fill with negativity toward our loss.  How I didn’t realize I was out of tune is beyond me ~ all the signs were there.  For me, getting back in tune simply means to focus in the here and now instead of on the day she died.  I need to get back to me through my meditation and breathing practice, taking the time to grieve regardless of what else is going on, crying when the need arises regardless of where I am ~ in each of these I will be and am taking care of myself.  I am moving forward one step at a time. 

rp_652-300x168.jpgThis isn’t about sympathy or feeling sorry for myself.  It is about trying to bring awareness to those who are or still suffer from loss ~ take the time YOU need and do whatever YOU need to do to process, accept and move through your grief.  Do not let anyone tell you how much time it should take you or how you should be feeling or not feeling.  You are the only one who knows what is best for you ….. don’t let anyone take your grief away from you.  It is okay and all is well …..I now look forward to a new and adventurous relationship with my sister – physical to non-physical ….

Much Love Always,

Cindy