I Am Battle Worn

“I am half way gone, sleepless ~ I am battle worn.” – James Bay

What do you do when you are battle worn and feel as though you just cannot fight the fight anymore?  This is where I am (or was).  I have been battle worn on and off for the last year and a half in regards to a challenging situation.  I am exhausted of the inner psychological battle, of trying so hard, of living on the edge, of not knowing what is coming next, and yet knowing something will come.  Of being blind sided just when I feel like everything is going to work out.  I won’t hide the fact that I played a part in some of this on-going battle because I have.  I am only human and I do have my limits.  I can only take so much before it all comes to a head, and that it has.  However, on the positive side, and yes there is always a positive side, everything is now out in the open.  I know exactly where I stand and I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to do it.   

It all starts with letting go.  I have made the choice to surrender to my adversaries, even the one’s I created in my head.  And yes, there was a lot of stuff going on up in this head of mine.  None of which was good or healthy for that matter.  I have also withdrawn from the battle.  Through these choices with every precious breath I take, I have released the chaos, fear and worry this battle was creating in me.  I am now back in tune with my Inner Life!  

Not only am I completely filled with clarity, but my inner light is shining again!  I am going to be me and do the absolute best I can in every area of my life.  If that is not good enough, then so be it.  I don’t need to prove anything to anyone nor do I need approval from anyone but myself.  I also don’t need to change who I am or bend over backwards because I fear the upheaval someone could create in my life because of their insecurities and fears.

I am the one who is in control of my life, of how I feel, and how I react to every life situation and challenge.  I’ve allowed the negativity and drama of others affect every area of my life.  This has given them power and they have held that power over my head.  It all stops now.  I am taking my power back with grace and gratitude.  Why gratitude you ask ~ although this has been a very trying life experience it has allowed me the opportunity to grow, both personally and professionally.  It has opened my eyes to so much I needed to see, and that includes the truth within myself.  You see, battles are not just about who is coming after you, but why we are going after one another.

I had forgotten how powerful and relieving surrender can be.  It was like popping a balloon.  All that pressure was instantly released and I could breathe again!  I also came to realize in one of many moments of clarity how much I had stopped living and enjoying life.  I am not proud of the part I played, but the battle is over and a new chapter in my life has begun.  There is still work to be done and it will take some time.  I will continue to fight, but with love, not fear.

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy 

It’s Good To Be Back

Last year was by far the worst year of my life!  I was in a total fog, not able to get in touch with myself.  I knew I was here and yet I was gone.  I couldn’t get a grasp of what was going on in and around me.  I was in a downward tailspin desperately trying to hold on.  I just kept sinking.  I knew which way was up but I was afraid.  I was afraid of expressing my grief and heartache because I didn’t want to feel it anymore than what I already was.  I was afraid to express my unhappiness and disillusions.  I was even afraid to reach out for help, support and guidance.  I felt so alone.  I even lost touch with my Inner Life and I lost my faith.  I was no longer taking a fearless leap of faith toward true happiness but instead I was falling with fear, sadness, and anger.  I was so angry at myself for allowing my feelings and emotions to get as far as they did.  

When it got to the point where I had enough of feeling this way, a miracle occurred.  I opened my eyes and allowed the truth.  I was able to see everything so clearly that it actually made me physically sick and yet at the same time I was filled with an overwhelming amount of relief and sense of peace.  I could actually breathe again. I took the next three months in stride, putting myself and my life back together, still swaying from time to time, but holding strong.  I took back control and did what I had to do in order to live the life I want and feel the way I should feel.  It didn’t have to be this way though.  Not because I knew better, but because I am in control of how I feel no matter what the circumstances.  I allowed too many things consume me and nearly eat me alive.  Instead of expressing, I crumbled.  

I can honestly say, it will never happen again.  My happiness, my state of mind, and my well-being are the most important things to me, as it should be.  If I am not good for myself, how am I supposed to be any good for anyone else.  As much as I suffered through the year, I now embrace it with great love and understanding.  It didn’t define me, but it did allow me to grow and to learn more about myself and others, some good, some not so good.  I am finally back to feeling like Cindy again and oh what a joyful feeling that is!  I sure did miss me! 

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy

Only You Know Why

86-1Sometimes we lose our way.  Sometimes we revert back to old negative patterns of behavior.  Why?  Only you know why.  At first you may not even realize it.  You may chalk it up to a bad day.  But before you know it, that bad day is now a bad month(s) or a bad year(s).  Then one day you wake up with that god awful feeling in the pit of your stomach.  You wake up seeing the truth ~ you have no clue who you are anymore.  You are destroying your life.  You lay there wondering how you got to where you are.  You wonder what happened to you.  You ask yourself, where did I go?  Where did I lose my way?  Where did I become so out of tune with my Inner Life that I allowed this to happen? Rest assured, you can change all of this.  All it takes is the will and determination to do so.

Taking Complete Responsibility for Your Life Changes Your Life

76-2Life may seem daunting to you right now, but let’s look at the bright side.  Yes, there is a bright side.  Through your awareness of where you are and where you want to be, you can now begin to build or re-build the life you so desire. There may be unwanted consequences along the way, but the most important thing for you to remember and focus on is where you want to be.  It doesn’t matter where anyone else is, this is completely about you.  Taking ownership of your life, your mistakes and/or your regrets will change everything, but you have to allow the change.  You have to want to change for your own personal well-being and happiness.  No one can do it for you.  Living in the past or holding onto what you once had will only hinder your growth, slow your progress forward, and keep you out of tune with your Inner Life.

Every Choice You Make Has An Outcome

27-2Regardless of where you are, be here now, be present in this time.  It is vital for this to be solely about you.  You have to be your #1 priority and you have to be honest with yourself.  It is time to stand strong and take the first step toward personal freedom.  Free yourself from all the negativity and pain.  Yes, I know you are hurting, but you can do this.  You know what you need to do.  You know where to go if you need help or guidance.  There is nothing to be afraid of.  True happiness, joy, peace, well-being, abundance and love are all waiting for you.  

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy