And So It Shall Be …..

20So yes, I have been totally out of sorts, and that is putting it mildly.  Swirling around and around, stumbling as I fall, until I can’t see not a thing ~ not even what is right in front of me.  I know I have been allowing unwanted life experiences engulf me into the shadows of sadness and darkness.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt how to not allow unwanted life experiences control me.  However, as human as a human can be, even I, your Truly Happy Leap Like A Frog “Guru” got stuck.  I got stuck in the boundaries of my outer life, leaving behind the one thing that truly matters and that is my Inner Life.  The greater and most powerful part of who truly am.

For those of you who follow and read my blogs, you know I am a firm believer that in any experience, wanted or unwanted, there is a ray of sunshine.  We may not be able to see or feel it right away, but it is there looming over us, waiting for us to just let go and let it in.  Waiting for us to release the resistance to that which we do not want or fear, allowing the natural flow and balance of our Inner Life guide us with ease to a place where we will find peace, calm, well-being, abundance, happiness and love. 

05I realize it is not always as easy as it sounds especially if you are caught in the midst of your own perfect storm, but when you have everlasting faith, all things are possible.  And that is what I do have.  I have faith that the shimmering light of the sun will shine upon me allowing me to see all the wonderment of life and of death.   

I know life doesn’t have to be or feel the way it has been, but I have allowed it.  I have allowed tragedy and heartache take hold of me and take me to places I never thought I would visit again.  There comes a time when you can’t breathe anymore, when all that you once had feels like it got sucked right out of you, but it didn’t.  It is all still there waiting for me to stop the fight.  A fight I will never win. 

And so it shall be.  I am done fighting.  I am done living in resistance.  I am done living under a black cloud.  Now is the time to get back in tune with the greater and more powerful part of who I truly am.  The part of me that knows nothing but joy, happiness, abundance, peace and love.  My Inner Life is where I can rest in the loving arms and warmth of the Universe.  It is where I will find my beautiful butterfly, it is where I will find myself again, but most importantly, it is where I will plant the seeds of a new and amazing life with those I cherish and love.

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If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within.  Live, breathe and be your Inner Life.  Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be ….

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy

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It’s Been Hard

12It’s been hard for me lately.  I knew losing you would hurt and take some time to heal, but I had no idea it would feel like this.  I feel lost without you, like I am out of balance, like I don’t know which way to go.  Some days it feels as though I can’t even breathe and yet I am breathing more deeply than I ever have.  It is as if the foundation under my feet has cracked wide open and I am desperately trying not to fall in.  We build our lives on the foundations we create.  Part of that foundation is our family so when we lose family unexpectedly, our foundation is not the same as it once was.  Although you are still there and in essence my foundation is no less stronger than what it was, it is just different now.  I’ve been fighting the loss, wishing we could all go back in time, but I know the fighting is not doing me any good.  I cry for you because I miss you.  I talk to you because you are my friend. And I try to dream of you so that we can be together again.  I love you my beautiful butterfly ~ today, tomorrow, and into eternity. Forever Together, Your Hun 

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This Was Then

01I laid on the edge of my bed like an infant, slightly quivering.  I could only feel my aching soul.  My pain began to seep out of my eyes.  I prayed to God to comfort me, to take me in His arms, to protect me, and to give me enough love that would change my life.  I knew I was gone. “It” had taken me from all those that loved me but I could not see.  I was blind to the outside world, I was numb to emotion.  I was in my own self-made prison.

My pain was so great from “it” that death began to intrigue me.  Laying on the nightstand was my way out.  The blade shimmering from the reflection of the light was pulling me closer.  I had done it before but I knew this time would be different.  I knew I would not stop the flow of blood and I knew there was not enough blood to end my suffering.

106You bleed all the time but no one sees it, only you can feel it.  You live in the depths of your own personal hell.  As the night closes in and the day fades away the gut wrenching pain runs through your veins like burning coals.  You feel no connection to anything or anyone ~ you are a stranger in your own body.  You feel nothing and yet you feel everything.  Your heart beats but you do not feel alive.  Life takes you down gripping and crying, down into the black hole of death.  You keep screaming and crying for something, but you don’t know what that something is.  The only thing you can think of is the bleeding inside ~ the emotional and physical pain.   You get down on your knees and pray to God to take you at the same time praying to God to save you.  You spin and spin, falling, tripping, losing yourself in every moment ~ a moment you wished did not exist.  The world as you know it blacks out ~ you cannot see anything yet your eyes are wide open.  The light blinds you.  You want to ask for help, but the words get trapped in your throat.  You try to speak but nothing comes out, yet inside you are still screaming at the top of your lungs “help me, please help me, somebody help me”.  You just want it out ~ you just want to bleed until there is nothing left.

48I spent a large part of my life in unhappiness which eventually grew into severe depression and addictions.  I knew in my heart there was much more to life than how I was living and feeling it, but I did not know how to get to where I wanted to be from where I was.  I did not know how to be happy again.  Looking back, I now see the one and only thing that kept me from the life I wanted to live was being out of tune with my Inner Life, the greater and more powerful part of who I truly am.

For me, and for countless numbers of others, it wasn’t until I hit bottom that I made the choice to entirely change my life.  I could not bear the emotional and physical pain any longer.  I just wanted to be happy so I chose life over death and from there I embarked on a journey within myself that has yielded joy, love, happiness and abundance.  When you make how you feel the most important thing in your life, everything changes.  It changes how you think, what you do or don’t do, what you have or don’t have.  It creates healthy relationships, satisfying careers, and yes, it even creates more money in the bank.  Most importantly, it puts you back in tune with your Inner Life, with complete well-being.  What more could you ask for?

34I remember all too well the days when it took everything I had to get through the next second of my life.  I was so far down in my deep dark hole that nothing, not friends, not love, not money, not even my son could pull me out.  All I wanted to do was die, but it was not because I did not want to live, it was because I wanted the pain to go away. To try to describe the pain is nearly impossible.  No words can describe the feelings and emotions that one feels while living in this state of mind.  I often refer to those years as the depths of hell.  I had no hope for anything and I did not believe I would ever be happy.  Hell, I did not even know what true happiness was.  Yes, there were periods of time when things were going well and I was enjoying life, but there was always something missing.  I could feel the emptiness inside. Many times it felt like a burning hole slowly eating me away.  I tried to fill it with people and things but eventually it would just empty out so I started filling myself up with drugs and alcohol, but again I was left with that gut wrenching feeling of despair, fear, and heartache.

I was asked one time by my therapist what I thought would help make me feel better.  My response was to pull my brains out so that I could no longer think.  My thoughts always had a tendency to send me spiraling downward because of how I was feeling about myself.  I grew up living with no self-esteem and lacked confidence since middle school.  I also never felt worthy of anything good, especially love. It took years and years of enduring pain, suicide attempts, cutting, self-sabotage, doctor visits, hospital visits, being on and off one medication or another before I hit bottom with a cocktail mixture of severe depression, alcohol, and drugs.  This was the end for me and just the beginning.  I was now engulfed with a burning desire for change and happiness.

30When the desire for lasting change and true happiness shows it’s beautiful and mighty face, it is time to take a leap of faith. Regardless of the circumstances that fuel your desire, the key to any level of change is to do it in a positive state of mind. The last thing you want to do is to hold onto anything negative or take it with you for that matter. And so the journey begins ….

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy