The only thing I want is to be sad and cry whenever I feel like it. I don’t want to hide it, put on a smile, and pretend everything is okay. It hasn’t even been three months since I lost my sister. This isn’t about her death, it’s about missing her – plain and simple. It feels like there is a hole in my heart the size of the ocean and I am at the bottom trying to get to the top. But I can’t get to the top because I don’t know which way to go. There is nothing anyone can say that I don’t already know. I know she is in a better place and happier than hell! And I love that! I am happy for her!
Debbie was in my life from the day I was born, and although we often took different paths, allowing years to pass without talking to or seeing one another, there was never a doubt that she was there. She was never not a part of me or of my life. I can’t really explain what it is. I guess you could say there were always two and now there is one. It’s like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly. How can you have PB&J with the J? You can’t ~ it just doesn’t work that way. They have to be together in order to make the sandwich complete.
I know what I am feeling is normal and natural and I know this too shall pass. I also know that we all grieve differently and for different amounts of time. However, I can’t help but feel like we are rushed through our grief. When a loved one dies things need to be taken care of right away. It’s not like you can wait until you are feeling better to make funeral arrangements, go through their personal belongings or make the necessary phone calls. On top of all of that you still need to live your life. You still have to go to work, take care of the family, the pets, the house, and of course yourself. So where in there do you really get to take the time to get in touch with your deepest of emotions and work through them in a healthy and peaceful manner? When do you get to process the death, the pain, the sadness and move on? Now I see how someone can get stuck in their grief because they never had the time to move through it. Instead you keep pushing it aside in order to get everything else done and before you know it, you have twenty years of grief built up inside you and I can almost guarantee you are completely out of tune with your Inner Life.
I didn’t realize until a couple of weeks ago that I have been stuck in my grief and out of tune with my Inner Life. It came to light when my cat Henry was getting on my nerves. Henry never gets on my nerves ~ he always makes me happy. I felt anger because he would not stop meowing. It was then that I knew I am not processing my grief in a healthy manner. I am not giving myself the time I need to accept it, embrace it, and let it go one piece at a time. Instead I am putting it aside so I can live my life and do what needs to be done. Looking back over the last few weeks I can see where my grief and pain have boiled over and out with anger and negativity. I have been completely on the edge and not the nicest person in the world. Thankfully I have a very loving and understanding man in my life who has been nothing but compassionate and supportive.
Now that I am aware of where I am, I can begin the healing process. Getting back in tune with my Inner Life would of course be the priority. It is in our outer life that we get stuck and fill with negativity toward our loss. How I didn’t realize I was out of tune is beyond me ~ all the signs were there. For me, getting back in tune simply means to focus in the here and now instead of on the day she died. I need to get back to me through my meditation and breathing practice, taking the time to grieve regardless of what else is going on, crying when the need arises regardless of where I am ~ in each of these I will be and am taking care of myself. I am moving forward one step at a time.
This isn’t about sympathy or feeling sorry for myself. It is about trying to bring awareness to those who are or still suffer from loss ~ take the time YOU need and do whatever YOU need to do to process, accept and move through your grief. Do not let anyone tell you how much time it should take you or how you should be feeling or not feeling. You are the only one who knows what is best for you ….. don’t let anyone take your grief away from you. It is okay and all is well …..I now look forward to a new and adventurous relationship with my sister – physical to non-physical ….
Much Love Always,