I Am Battle Worn

“I am half way gone, sleepless ~ I am battle worn.” – James Bay

What do you do when you are battle worn and feel as though you just cannot fight the fight anymore?  This is where I am (or was).  I have been battle worn on and off for the last year and a half in regards to a challenging situation.  I am exhausted of the inner psychological battle, of trying so hard, of living on the edge, of not knowing what is coming next, and yet knowing something will come.  Of being blind sided just when I feel like everything is going to work out.  I won’t hide the fact that I played a part in some of this on-going battle because I have.  I am only human and I do have my limits.  I can only take so much before it all comes to a head, and that it has.  However, on the positive side, and yes there is always a positive side, everything is now out in the open.  I know exactly where I stand and I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to do it.   

It all starts with letting go.  I have made the choice to surrender to my adversaries, even the one’s I created in my head.  And yes, there was a lot of stuff going on up in this head of mine.  None of which was good or healthy for that matter.  I have also withdrawn from the battle.  Through these choices with every precious breath I take, I have released the chaos, fear and worry this battle was creating in me.  I am now back in tune with my Inner Life!  

Not only am I completely filled with clarity, but my inner light is shining again!  I am going to be me and do the absolute best I can in every area of my life.  If that is not good enough, then so be it.  I don’t need to prove anything to anyone nor do I need approval from anyone but myself.  I also don’t need to change who I am or bend over backwards because I fear the upheaval someone could create in my life because of their insecurities and fears.

I am the one who is in control of my life, of how I feel, and how I react to every life situation and challenge.  I’ve allowed the negativity and drama of others affect every area of my life.  This has given them power and they have held that power over my head.  It all stops now.  I am taking my power back with grace and gratitude.  Why gratitude you ask ~ although this has been a very trying life experience it has allowed me the opportunity to grow, both personally and professionally.  It has opened my eyes to so much I needed to see, and that includes the truth within myself.  You see, battles are not just about who is coming after you, but why we are going after one another.

I had forgotten how powerful and relieving surrender can be.  It was like popping a balloon.  All that pressure was instantly released and I could breathe again!  I also came to realize in one of many moments of clarity how much I had stopped living and enjoying life.  I am not proud of the part I played, but the battle is over and a new chapter in my life has begun.  There is still work to be done and it will take some time.  I will continue to fight, but with love, not fear.

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy 

It’s Good To Be Back

Last year was by far the worst year of my life!  I was in a total fog, not able to get in touch with myself.  I knew I was here and yet I was gone.  I couldn’t get a grasp of what was going on in and around me.  I was in a downward tailspin desperately trying to hold on.  I just kept sinking.  I knew which way was up but I was afraid.  I was afraid of expressing my grief and heartache because I didn’t want to feel it anymore than what I already was.  I was afraid to express my unhappiness and disillusions.  I was even afraid to reach out for help, support and guidance.  I felt so alone.  I even lost touch with my Inner Life and I lost my faith.  I was no longer taking a fearless leap of faith toward true happiness but instead I was falling with fear, sadness, and anger.  I was so angry at myself for allowing my feelings and emotions to get as far as they did.  

When it got to the point where I had enough of feeling this way, a miracle occurred.  I opened my eyes and allowed the truth.  I was able to see everything so clearly that it actually made me physically sick and yet at the same time I was filled with an overwhelming amount of relief and sense of peace.  I could actually breathe again. I took the next three months in stride, putting myself and my life back together, still swaying from time to time, but holding strong.  I took back control and did what I had to do in order to live the life I want and feel the way I should feel.  It didn’t have to be this way though.  Not because I knew better, but because I am in control of how I feel no matter what the circumstances.  I allowed too many things consume me and nearly eat me alive.  Instead of expressing, I crumbled.  

I can honestly say, it will never happen again.  My happiness, my state of mind, and my well-being are the most important things to me, as it should be.  If I am not good for myself, how am I supposed to be any good for anyone else.  As much as I suffered through the year, I now embrace it with great love and understanding.  It didn’t define me, but it did allow me to grow and to learn more about myself and others, some good, some not so good.  I am finally back to feeling like Cindy again and oh what a joyful feeling that is!  I sure did miss me! 

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy

It’s Time to Change Direction

On May 2, 2007 I made the first major change in the direction I was headed.  I changed direction because I did not want to end up where I was going.  At the time I was consumed with severe depression, addiction, misery and unhappiness.  I knew if I didn’t change direction it would only get worse.  I did what I had to do ~ I took a fearless leap of faith toward my own true happiness.  This change in direction was a major turning point in my life.  It gave me what I knew I had lost, what I knew was already a natural part of who I am ~ it gave me peace, joy, love, well-being and true happiness.   You see, when I changed direction, not only did I wake up, but I also left the past behind.  I lived in the moment with great delight of creating a new life for myself.  I could be, have, or do whatever I desired!

“If we don’t change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going.”  – Jodi Picoult

From that day forward I have continued to change direction for the sole purpose of enhancing my life and of bringing more joy and happiness into my experience.  This doesn’t mean I was headed down a bad road, it simply means that as I learn and grow from life experiences, the more I want what is best for me.  The more I want to experience a variety of joy and happiness.  I don’t want to live life anymore.  I want to BE life.  

You don’t have to be in a bad place or headed down a dark road to change direction.  Think about where you are and where you want to go.  Now ask yourself if what you are doing is going to take you there.  Is how you are living your life right now going to take you to where you want to go?  If you don’t want to end up where you are going it is time to change direction.  It doesn’t matter where you are, what you have, or what you don’t have, you have the power to change direction at any time.  The only thing stopping you is you.  How you change direction is entirely up to you.  It could be through changing your thought patterns or eating habits. It could be through finding a new job, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, starting a relationship, trying new things, meeting new people, exploring new places, walking instead of running, starting a meditation or exercise practice.  The possibilities are endless.  It doesn’t really matter how you change direction, as long as you change it.  If it gets you to where you want to go then you can’t go wrong! 

It is that time again for me to change direction.  Where I am headed could very easily turn into something wonderful, but I want more for myself.  I don’t necessarily mean material things either.  I just want to live as fully as I can through my Inner Life and right now I am not doing that.  I’ve been trying to, but I haven’t been trying hard enough.  I have been allowing myself to get bogged down with too much garbage rolling around in my head.  I have been living too much in my outer life instead of in and through my Inner Life.  So with that said, I am changing direction to allow an overall better feeling about myself and to create another new life.   So now, is it time for YOU to change direction? 

If true and lasting happiness is what you seek, seek first from within. Live, breathe and be your Inner Life. Quiet your mind, focus solely on the present moment and allow the power of your Inner Life guide you to where you want to be. – Cindy Ortiz

Live, Love & Breathe Life

Love & Light,

Cindy